


i want the world in my hands

by protect_rosie



Series: gifts/exchanges/challenges [12]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Insecurity, Love Confessions, Love at First Sight, M/M, Voicemail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-18 16:41:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13104276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/protect_rosie/pseuds/protect_rosie
Summary: Either way, Alex is just glad to hear Nicky’s voice, even if he is hundreds of miles away.





	i want the world in my hands

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hoosierbitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoosierbitch/gifts).



> i hope u enjoy this as much as i enjoyed writing it :)
> 
> happy holidays!

_ spit it into [his] voicemail, a little slurred and sounding like the shot whiskey you downed for courage. feel as ashamed as you do walking into work in last night’s clothes. wake up cringing for days, waiting for [him] to mention it. _

 

Nicky insists they spend their summers apart, so they won’t tip anyone off about what’s going on between them, wants to keep it secret, keep it safe between the two of them still. Even though they spend their summers apart, it always seems to get harder each year. Maybe it’s the fact that they spend about eight months together, and then have to stop seeing each other; even if it is four months that they don’t see each other, it’s still tough. 

Alex worries, worries that just like all his career people have told him he’s not good enough to lead his franchise anywhere, Nicky will realize that it’s true and will eventually get tired of him. 

He doesn’t want to lose Nicky. 

///

He always wakes up feeling empty, and alone, cold, with no one within arm’s reach to touch and hold close. He keeps turning around, expecting to find Nicky there, saying something under his breath and rolling his eyes. Alex never finds him there, always finds the void staring back at him, unresponsive. His chirps always die in his throat, and he frowns; there’s no reason to smile, after all. 

Sometimes - more often than he wants to admit, really - he finds himself saying something stupid, something that Alex knows Nicky would have a great response to. But, like always, no one replies, and it makes him upset, a heavy weight settles deep in his chest, longing. 

///

Sasha drags him out to parties a lot of the times, fills him up with vodka and tells him to loosen up. It helps a lot, as much as he hates to admit it. It makes him feel happy, makes him forget that Nicky isn’t there with him, makes him feel like Nicky will be right back. 

Sometimes, oftentimes, the vodka is really good and it fills him with a lot of liquid courage, so much that he decides to dial Nicky’s number, not caring what time it is.

Nicky must be out, either sleeping or simply busy, because he doesn’t answer. 

So of course, Alex leaves a voicemail.

“Don’t know what time it is,” Alex says, a bit slurred, combing his hand through his hair. “I just want to tell you that you are best angel I ever see,  _ ever.  _ You know, I love you since draft? I’m so glad George didn’t trade for those Boston guys. You are the best. Can’t wait until training camp. I love you, Backy.”

He hangs up and returns to the crowd waiting for him at the table.

///

Nicky calls back, he always does, but they don’t talk about it, don’t talk about Alex’s small ramble about how much he loves Nicky. Alex spends the whole time holding his breath, afraid that Nicky might mention something about the voicemail. He doesn’t, just explains that he was out running some errands before having to return to Washington.

Maybe it’s too awkward, or maybe Nicky’s embarrassed that Alex left such a thing because he doesn’t mention it, or even hint at it, the entire call. And maybe it’s for the best, really, because if Nicky  _ had  _ said something, Alex doesn’t think he’d be able to stop talking about it.

Either way, Alex is just glad to hear Nicky’s voice, even if he is hundreds of miles away.

///

Alex doesn’t forget about the voicemail, and he thinks Nicky doesn’t either; not once does Nicky bring it up, though. He thinks it’s a blessing in disguise, doesn’t know how he’ll react now, now that he’s had a couple of months to think about it more clearly. He doesn’t know how Nicky feels about it either, since he hasn’t said a word about it, and since they’d never said the word to each other before.

Alex knows that what he feels for Nicky has been love since the first day he met him. But being aware of it, and being confronted with the fact, are two different things. 

///

Nicky finally says something about the voicemail during their west coast road trip. The team isn’t doing well, and overall, the team’s feeling pretty deflated. Nicky doesn’t like to show so, but Alex knows him better than that. He knows Nicky is feeling deeply disappointed in himself, the way he’s playing, and the way the team is performing every night. 

“Remember that voicemail you left me a couple of months ago?” Nicky asks, casual, even, like always. He’s stirring some milk into his tea, making sure it’s just right. He’s not looking at Alex directly, but Alex can still tell that Nicky’s watching him out of the corner of his eye.

Alex tenses up - this is exactly the conversation he hasn’t been looking forward to. 

“Yeah?” he asks, drawing out the word. “What about it?”

“Why did you say it then? Why didn’t you wait to say it to my face?”

Nicky puts the milk away, and tosses the spoon into the sink. He takes a seat in front of Alex, and wraps his hands around his mug; Alex almost wants to laugh at how small the mug looks in Nicky’s hands, hands that have held onto his during the hardest moments of the past ten years. 

“Didn’t think I could do it, worried that I’m not good enough,” Alex says, leaving the  _ you  _ implied. “You so good, an angel.”

“You think I don’t worry about the same thing? From the first time we met, I worried that I’m not a skinny, beautiful woman that you’re proud to be with, proud to be seen with. You showed me that all that isn’t all you care about,” Nicky says, he reaches over and places a hand over Alex’s, makes Alex look at him in the eyes. “You’re all that I need. And yes, it might be a little tough for me to show that sometimes, it might be tough to show everyone that, but believe me, I need you, always.”

Alex smiles. 

“You’re all that I ever need, too, all eternity.”

“I know. I love you.”

“I love you, too, forever.”

**Author's Note:**

> title from the neighbourhood’s _sweater weather_
> 
> based on [this](http://stoppit-keepout.tumblr.com/post/76859723240/8-ways-to-say-i-love-you-1-spit-it-into-her) tumblr post, and partially by [this other](https://asofterhockey.tumblr.com/post/168797802415/1242-this-at-least-is-up-to-me) tumblr post (im still crying like a little punk bc of it lmao)
> 
> hope u enjoyed! kudos and comments are so neat :)


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